i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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