I just cut my nipple shaving
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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