One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize