I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
