I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i drank out of a bidet.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
