You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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