I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish I could teleport
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
