They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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