tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
