I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
