If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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