Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize