My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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