it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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