guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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