Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
