I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
