Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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