I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
