wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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