I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I didn't notice because vodka
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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