Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I understand Curling. That high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
