apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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