what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
