you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
oh god the rape fog is back!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
