John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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