He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
