Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
