I wanna passion pit in your ass
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize