She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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