Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
