grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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