we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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