I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
