Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
