Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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