i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
