ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
