everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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