she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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