My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
