he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
