the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize