dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
