If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
