I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
