you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
