i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
