Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
