My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
4 words: hood of his car
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
