I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
