I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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